love

I am in love. 

With three specific people who have wormed their way into my heart with no hope of leaving it the same ever again. 

It’s not a new feeling.  I have been in love with them all for some time now.  But one week ago today, I learned to love each of them on a whole new level, in a more powerful way than I had ever experienced or anticipated. 

Micah is my first-born, my gentle little soul.  He has been the center of our world for just shy of three years now, and he has taught us so much.  We have learned grace and humility, patience and humbleness, joy and healthy pride, and a whole new way of looking at the world.  I love it when we snuggle together on the couch or he puts “ponies’ in my hair for me.  He has such a gentle spirit and it shines through in so many things he does.  He has taught us how to laugh and has filled our past three years with memories so powerful they are emblazoned on our hearts and our minds forever.  I have thought so many times over the past three years “How will I ever love another child as much as I love him?”

Macie is my second-born, my sweet little princess.  She came quietly into our world just one week ago today and completely changed it in an unbelievable way.  The past seven days with her are already full of rich memories that I am scared I will forget because there is no good way to capture the sweetness of them.  The smell of newborn baby, the feel of her little body curled up against mine, the quiet squeaks and whimpers when she dreams, her facial expressions that make us laugh. I treasure these days and the days ahead because I know before long they will be gone and I will not be able to get them back, no matter how hard I try.  When we got pregnant last November, I remember thinking, “Will we love this second baby as much as the first?” 

Dan is my soul mate, my strong, silent prince charming.  He may not speak volumes, but he is a spiritual and emotional giant in my life.  He builds me up when I need the support.  He loves me even when I make it hard for him.  He lets me know how special I am to him in the simplest but most profound of ways.  He loves our kids in a way that melts my heart and makes sure he is the kind of dad they need him to be.  He matches all my weaknesses with strengths perfectly.  He is the one I cannot imagine walking this life path without.  On our wedding day, I remember thinking, “Will I ever love anybody as much as I love him?” 

I love these three.  On a level that is sometimes hard for even me to comprehend.  But after one week as a family of four, I am finding that my feelings for them have changed.

I didn’t think it was possible, but I love each of them in a much more powerful, more deep, more fulfilling way than I ever have before. 

I watch Micah with his baby sister, watch him gently stroke her soft downy hair and give her sweet kisses.  I watch him speak to her and giggle as he watches her sleep.  I listen to him tell her “when I a baby I drink Mommy’s boobies but now I a big boy!”  My heart swells with love for this little boy who has welcomed a new person into his family and has been very accepting of our need to include her in his world.

I watch Macie while she sleeps.  I look at all her perfect little features and marvel at what an absolute MIRACLE God has created and blessed us with.  I hold her close and feel her little heart beating against mine.  I grin as I hear those little squeaks and noises she makes when she is sleeping.  I feel my own heart swell when I watch her little mouth turn up in a smile in her sleep.  My heart swells with love for this little girl who has been with us for such a short time but has seemed to capture our hearts forever ago.

I watch Dan with both kids.  I watch how he plays with Micah, how he reads to him, how he gently redirects him when need be.  I listen to them say prayers together at dinner or bedtime.  I watch the excitement on both their faces on “Game Day” when they wear their matching Iowa Hawkeyes t-shirts, and my heart fills with joy to see my boys delighting so much in each other.  I listen to Micah talk on the phone to Dan and tell him about his day.  Most recently, I take in the sweet moments where Dan holds little Macie in his strong arms, a small bundle against his protective frame.  I chuckle at his comments about how she will be a nun and will never leave the house.  I listen to his sweet crooning and all the pet names he has for her.  My heart swells with love for this man who has promised to walk alongside me in this journey and who loves me and our children more than anything else in life. 

Nothing has changed, and at the same time, everything has changed.  I love these three in a way I never thought possible.  And my heart will never be the same again. 

I'm more than okay with that.